Facts about me

• If I had it my way, "Eye Of The Tiger" would instantly start playing the second I walked into the room. 
• I am 26 years old. Not 19. I know I look young. I can't help what my face looks like.
• I'm originally from Sacramento. Whatever you do, don't call it Sac-Town. That's a little ridiculous. And for the record, no one from Sacramento actually calls it that.
  
• I have the most bad ass dog ever. His name is Samberg.
  
• In 7th grade I participated in a lip synch contest and came in 3rd place. I would like to take this moment to say thank you to Britney Spears and "...Baby One More Time". I couldn't have done it without you. 
• Physically I have a small mouth. Verbally I have a big ass mouth.
• When I was a little kid and I did something wrong I'd say "I don't know, I'm little!" to get out of it, and it worked every time.
• I once pulled a muscle in my neck whipping my hair back and forth.
• As a child I constantly got my mouth washed out with soap for saying "inappropriate" things. Exhibit A: I once called my brother a "crusty butt-crack." Because in that moment, that's exactly what he was. Of course there were repercussions to the crusty butt-crack comment once my  mom got word of the incident. Now that I'm an adult, not much has changed. Except for my mom doesn't wash my mouth out with soap anymore.
• I am one of those people who will buy a product solely based on the fact that they changed the package, even though it's the same exact product as it was before. Example: When Doritos changed their package I had to buy it because it was "new and improved."
• I don't have a filter. I say exactly what I'm thinking. Most of the time I say exactly what everyone else is thinking, they just don't have the balls to say it. That's what the good Lord put me on this earth for.
• I love Hanson. So deal with it. Long hair, don't care.
  
• I'm obsessed with Spray Butter. Don't knock it till you try it. Then get back to me. 
• Handheld can openers make me so angry. I don't have time for that.
• I absolutely love pop music. LOVE IT. I love me a good old fashion boy band. I don't care how old I am. I love it. I can't help it. I was born that way.
• I often compare myself to The Brave Little Toaster and The Little Engine That Could.
• I have a cardboard cutout of John Mayer in my apartment. I like to put it in compromising situations and take pictures with it.
• I don't take myself too seriously. Or seriously at at all.
  
• Taylor Swift is my homegirl. I will love and defend her forever.
• Sometimes late at night I like blast Celine Dion, sing loudly and dance dramatically around my apartment with my windows open. And I don't even care that my neighbors can hear and see me. Don't act like you don't do the same thing every time you hear "It's All Coming Back To Me Now."
• I think hot dogs are one of the most disgusting foods on this planet. I'd rather eat my own foot. Which brings me to my next point....
• I don't care for feet. They are disgusting and quite frankly, I don't think we need them. The world would be a much better place if we all just walked around on nubs. We'd all be real life Weebles wobbling around.
• I am deathly afraid of E.T.
• I find myself incredibly annoying at times.
• There is nothing more unappealing to me than a man who owns a tiny dog.
• I can burp insanely loud. Louder than every guy I know. I'm strangely proud of it.

short stories about me

• My whole life people have told me "You're so tall! You should play basketball!" So in 6th grade I took their advice and signed up for an after-school basketball team. Man was I the MVP. I made 1 basket the entire season. I had the ball in my hand, stared that hoop down and threw the ball up in the air, watching it effortlessly fall directly into the hoop. I victoriously threw my hands up in the air in celebration, then looked to my teammates who I expected to be doing the same exact thing. But they weren't. They were yelling at me. Oh, I made the basket and scored a point all right, but it was for the other team. Moral of the story: Don't do something just because you're tall.
  
  
• In kindergarten I fell off a stage and got knocked out: It was our Christmas Recital and it was not planned out well. The faculty decided to pack all the kindergarten classes onto the same stage, when there was simply not room for all of us. They put little 5-year-old me on the very corner edge of the stage. Halfway through the show it was time for me to introduce the next song. I was ready for my moment. I took a deep breath, stepped up to the microphone and plummeted to the ground. When I tried to take a step forward (like I was supposed to) there was no stage there, because they reached their capacity of kindergarteners. The next thing I remember was waking up crying to my mom in the nurses office. I was not crying because I was hurt. Oh no. I was crying because during the fall I ripped my pink and gold sparkly princess dress (that my mom had made specifically for the recital) on the corner edge of the stage. "Those bastards!" I thought. I was also very upset that I had missed my moment, where all eyes were supposed to be on me as I uttered the words "Our next song is 'Here Comes Santa Claus." After it was clear that I was ok, they asked me "Do you want to go back on stage?" "Hell yes!" I yelled. So I walked right up there (this time with faculty members on each side of the stage and one spotting me specifically) I walked up and introduced that song, like I was introducing the Grammy winner for Album of the Year. I delivered my sentence and when I was done, everyone in the room burst into applause and cheered. It was that moment I knew I was destined for stardom. Obviously they did it because they took  pity on me for I was a child who fell off a stage and got knocked out in front of a couple hundred people. But I didn't care. I was gonna be a star. 
  
  
• When I was younger I entered this contest to meet Hanson. You had to send in a video of you proving why you are their biggest fan and deserved to meet them. I being a fierce, bold and crafty 12 year old, had my mom drive her car through a car wash, while I sat on the hood of the car all decked out in Hanson apparel. I also put my hair in tiny braids to resemble Zac Hanson, as he once did for a Halloween concert. I was super cool. Oh, and I didn't win the contest. Whoever was the judge of that contest clearly had no respect for creativity and imagination. But whatever. Years later when I was old enough to drive, my friends and I would follow them and creep around the hotels they'd stay at until we'd inevitability run into them. No shame whatsoever.

things i don't care for

• Bruno Mars, Mario Lopez and Billy Bush.
• When guys say "chat" or "uber"
• People (but especially guys!) who take pictures of themselves in front of the mirror with their phones. Do you not have a single friend whom you could politely ask to take a quick picture of you flexing your muscles shirtless? Either way you're a loser. But at least be the later and be a loser with friends
• When your socks fall down and you constantly have to pull them up
• Hiccups
• Carrot Cake
• The word "sack"
• When people are at the store and they are going to buy food, but they start eating it in line before they pay for it
• The phrase "get more bang for your buck"
• People who try and talk to you at the gym and all you're trying to do is work out
• Guys with tiny dogs
• When people say "Happy B-Day" instead of "Happy Birthday"
• "Jersey Shore" - thanks a lot MTV

things that make me smile

• Random dance parties
• Dogs
• Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood (I love them separately, but equally. Like a mother loves both of her children.)
  
• Andy Samberg and The Lonely Island
• Frozen Yogurt
• Doritos
  
• Running
  
• Unicorns
• Boy Bands
  
• Making people feel uncomfortable
  
• People watching
• Diet Dr. Pepper
• Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco
• Laughing  
• Women who speak their mind and don't care what people think about them: Chelsea Handler, Ke$ha, P!nk, Katy Perry
  
• Making stupid videos
• Glitter and anything that sparkles
  
• Singing incredibly loud and off key
• Lisa Frank
  

What I've Learned In LA: Year 1

1. Take a chance, even if it scares the crap out of you. The things that scare you the most end up being the things that are the most rewarding.
2. Be yourself. You will be surprised how well people react to it.
3. Don't worry about what other people think. Because it doesn't matter.
4. Dream big. Then make it happen.
5. We are never ever getting back together. Like ever.
6. Figure out how to make things happen. Even if that means getting crafty and sneaking your way into a Hanson music video shoot.
7. When in doubt, dance it out.
8. True friends will be there through it all and have your back.
9. You can find hope in every situation. Even the ones that seem hopeless.
10. God is bigger than everything. His faithfulness never fails.

What I've Learned In LA: Year 2

1. It's always a good idea to invest in a cardboard cutout of any kind.
2. A true friend will help you stuff your ass into your dog's crate and then hand feed you Doritos at 2:30 a.m. while the other one films it.
3. Don't ever let someone in a fur vest tell you anything about life or be the judge of whether or not you have a good personality.
4. If Gwen Stefani unexpectedly walks into your work, be professional and hold it together. And once she leaves it's totally acceptable to burst into tears and call everyone you know.
5. You can effectively win any argument at anytime by simply throwing your hands up in the air, yell "You know what bitch, MARIAH DON'T CAREY!" then take off running.
6. Hashtag the shit out of all your pictures because Taylor Swift just might see it...and like it.
7. Wait until you are up close to hit on a group of guys, because they may turn out to be a British boy band all under the age of 17, and you just come off looking like a creepy cougar.
8. Take advantage of every opportunity that is presented to you - even if you think it's a long shot.
9. People can believe in you all they want, but it won't make a difference until you believe in yourself.
10. Pray about everything and trust God. He's always listening and sees the big picture...even when you don't.

Sup Bro.

They see me rollin' // They hatin' // Patrolling // They tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty

Emo Oreo

#JaRule

This kid

God only knows how much I need you

limp stick

#EatFresh

BEYONCE IS ALWAYS WATCHING

Samberg is a professional photo-bomber

Party of 1

Keeping it classy with a good old fashion beer belt

kindergarten

Photobombing at it's finest.

These are a few of my favorite things.

First tattoooooooo.

I have a thing for cardboard cutouts. Clearly.

I mustache you a question.

Fact: I was driving down the street with my friends, saw this poster hanging on the side of Amoeba Records in Hollywood, screamed, and demanded my friend pull over so I could take a picture with it. I'm pretty sure we we're stopped and parked illegally.

When I went to Taco Tuesday, under the impression I was only going to Taco Tuesday but I end up in a club....wearing a sweater.

One night my friends and I went out to a bar wearing Hanson shirts, circa 1997. We were the hit of the partyyyy.

We like to take pictures of our faces.

I feel like I'm on top of the world with ur love.

This one time I tweeted this picture of Samberg to The Lonely Island and they retweeted it. My son is a superstar.

Sometimes I have dance parties on my roof. And this is my view. I am a lucky girl.

This is what happens when I have too much free time on my hands.

I never cared for Monopoly or even played it (too many rules) until Hanson created their own version of Monopoly....Hansonopoly.

I guess this is the closest I'll ever get to having my very own pet dolphin. So I danced with it.

To celebrate 4th of July, I listened to "Party In The USA" and forced Samberg to do a photo shoot on my roof. He was thrilled.

At my finest, and not ashamed of it. Sullivan's keep it real.

Summertime walks, Samberg, short shorts, sneakers and side ponytail (not pictured).

"What the hell Colleen?! This isn't Walmart!" - My brother (In regards to my outfit)

Call me....desperate?

One time I went out. This is how my night ended.

White girl dancing.

Sup Hater

Sometimes you just need to sit on the ground, and cry about your problems to a trashcan.

So glad I wore my beach outfit.

This is my face.

Jerome the Gnome

No caption needed

Don't know what's more unsettling: That I'm taking a picture with a dog's bone or why that guy is shirtless.

Because sometimes you just want to frolic around freely though a Bird of Paradise garden.

California Gurl

Rawr.

Had to use 5 different filters to get me to look like this

Greatest shirt ever made, compliments of my bff, fellow cougar and One Direction lover

I hadn't been back to my high school since I graduated 9 years ago. So I figured I might as well make a scene...on the school mascot. Granite Bay Grizzlies!

That one time I was in a Clint Eastwood movie. Jersey Boyyyyys.

Whispering sweet nothings in my beloveds ear.

This is not a wig, nor a joke. One time I woke up and my hair looked like this. Then I cried.

Blondes have more fun.

Samberg is the cutest, smartest, funniest dog in the world. Disagree? I will fight you.

I present you with this lovely screen shot of the background image on my phone. [Please note the Hanson App]. I'm cool.

The view from my rooftop. Jealous much?

Happy 2nd Birthday to my little boy-boy Samberg!

"I wish I was newly dating someone right now, so I could send him a text message with this picture saying 'Just shopping around for wedding dresses' and freak him out" - Me talking to my mom, while my future sister-in-law tried on wedding dresses.)

I was really excited. This is the end result of Barney's, Hooters, Ke$ha and One Direction, or as I like to call them, One Protection.

This is what it looks like when I stand like a penguin and don't close my eyes all the way.

Some of the more sincere words that have ever come out of my mouth.

Just trying to look like Taylor Swift. She gets me.

*Takes picture of self* "Oh. You're one of THOSE" - My brother. "What do you mean?" - Me. "One of those girls who takes pictures of themselves then puts them on Facebook." - Brother. "Hey, I do not put them on Facebook...I put them on Instagram." - Me

Just meeeeee. And I totally cropped my friends out of this picture.

I love me a good old fashioned boy band.

When I went to Wendy's dressed like this.

Sticking my head in places it doesn't belong.

People often ask me how I stay in shape. This is my answer.

All hail the queen.

Sometimes you hear a song and you know it was written specifically for you <3

"In our family portrait we look pretty happy."