common misconceptions about los angeles

FICTION

Raging in the hottest clubs every night.

FACT

Too bad you have to wait in line and are lucky if you even make it in the door.

Apparently you're going to meet men who look like this when you go out in Hollywood.

When in reality they look like this: A bunch of bros.

Everyone valets their car because it's very affordable.

Everyone lives in mansions in Beverly Hills.

Sadly a $10 flat rate is very cheap, and rare. Try paying $20 to park your car for 30 minutes.

More than likely your apartment building looks like this and you pay $800-900 a month to live in a studio.

Clean, unpopulated streets.

Welcome to Hell. Also known as the 405.

Everyone has a spacious driveway with a secure parking spot so they can come and go as they please.

Chances are you'll have to park anywhere from 1-4 blocks away from your residence. And if you forget it's Street Sweeping day, you'll get a $60 parking ticket and can't afford to pay it because you're broke.

Someone accidentally cuts you off and they give you a friendly "Sorry!" wave.

Someone cuts you off and suddenly it's your fault. They then honk their horn 10 times, flip you off and speed off.

People are smiling and happy when driving and/or sitting in traffic.

They really look like this.

You can park anywhere you'd like on your own street.

Better read all 75 of the signs before you park in front of your own apartment.

People have so much money, they take baths in it.

This is my bathtub.

How To Not Get Mugged Walking In Hollywood

MMMBop

Hollywood can be a sketchy place at times...especially when you're a cute girl, walking home alone late at night. Follow these steps and I promise you nobody will even come near you.

1. Carry pepper spray in one hand and a pocket knife in the other.
2. Wear big chunky rings on multiple fingers, preferably metal rings, in case you need to punch a bitch.
3. Yell out that you have a STD or some other very contagious disease such as leprosy.
4. Get a tattoo. It doesn't matter if it's a baby unicorn flying over a rainbow. Ink = Thug.
5. Get a piercing of some kind. Piercings says "I intentionally put holes in my body" which makes you look hardcore and it is sure to keep your potential creeper at bay. If piercings aren't your thing, get clip on earrings. They'll never know the difference. People are dumb.
6. If all else fails, sing MMMBop to yourself, at the top of your lungs for all to hear.

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facts about los angeles you won't know unless you live here

• Most people work 2 or 3 jobs (at the very least) just in order to pay their rent and survive.
  
• It's incredibly difficult to get a full time job. If you are lucky enough to land a full time job, you're probably not working 9-5. You're working 9am-11pm.
• You have to pay for parking in almost every city: Hollywood, Santa Monica, Beverly Hills, Los Angeles, Downtown LA, Westwood, Brentwood, Bel-Air just to name a few. And when you don't have to pay for parking, you have to drive around an extra 10-30 minutes to find a spot. When you finally find a spot, you are half a mile away and must walk to your destination.
  
• It takes forever to run the simplest of errands. Running to the bank and the grocery store, (that are a mile away from you) can take an hour...if you're lucky. Too many people, too much traffic, too many stop lights and lack off parking and walking to and from your parking spot, all contribute to this time frame. 
• People honk their horns all the time, like it's their right of passage. They honk over everything and over absolutely nothing.
• This city has a serious lack of green left turn signals. You know, the green arrows? Yeah we don't have many of those. You must yield to the 1,000 cars coming in your direction and can turn left when the coast is clear (impossible). The only time it is clear is after the light turns red. Then you and one other car make it through while the 15 other cars behind you have to wait their turn. And that's one of the reasons it takes forever to go anywhere. 
• People take themselves to seriously. Way too seriously. Everyone has this unspoken attitude that screams "I am the king. All hail the king you lowly peasants." This attitude also makes them think it's acceptable to wear sunglasses indoors, in the grocery store, in the post office, in the movie theater and at night. It's never acceptable and you just come off looking like a real asshole. 
• Name Droppers: They are everywhere. You can't go anywhere without over hearing people talk about who they know, what there doing, the party they went to in the Hollywood Hills last night, the movie they just wrapped working on with Tom Cruise or how they are best friends with Katy Perry. Do you know what I say to them? "Listen douchelord, I live in a crappy studio apartment and pay outrageous rent for it, drive a car that's falling apart, work 3 jobs and make an hourly rate that is just barely over minimum wage. I don't give two shits about you and your "achievements," your True Religion jeans and your Gucci sunglasses. I've got bigger problems." And also, chances are if you have to name drop so much about all your famous "friends" they're probably not even your friends or you wouldn't have to tell everyone about it. Just because you were an extra in a movie with Tom Cruise and he accidentally bumped into you walking by, made direct eye contact and said "excuse me" doesn't make him your friend. Get over yourself.
  
• People are crazy drivers. CRAZAY. They don't care. Every day before I go running I say a quick prayer to God asking Him to please keep me safe and not get hit by any cars, crazy drivers and most importantly, crazy cab drivers. So far, so good...But then one day, while running through a crosswalk with my dog Samberg, some heartless person, hit Samberg with his car, which knocked Samberg to the ground and slammed him into me, and which almost knocked me over onto the concrete street of a busy intersection. The guy driving and his girlfriend HIT us with their car, LAUGHED and then DROVE AWAY. I repeat, they laughed and drove away. Thankfully Samberg and I were physically ok, but we both suffered from PTSD.
  

los angeles survival guide

1. Don't get a tattoo on Hollywood Blvd. Don't let an employee at a tattoo parlor convince you that they will "give you a deal" or a "2 for 1" price if you get a tattoo with your friend.
2. Don't take pics with any asshole dressed up in a costume on Hollywood blvd. They'll charge you $5 for that. Of course they won't tell you it costs money until after you take the picture.
3. Just because someone is wearing a hat and sunglasses to hide their face, doesn't mean they're famous. They are most likely nobody,  but want you to think they are somebody. This is also the definition of a loser.
4. Expect to pay for parking. No matter where you go. If you don't, then expect to park 1-2 miles away from your destination and start walking.
5. I wouldn't waste my time or money taking the Hollywood Star Tour. They make it sound all great and exciting to pull you in. In reality you will spend 2 hours sitting in a bus (which has no roof), with the sun beating down on you, sweating your ass off, driving around crowded streets. You most likely won't see any celebrities, but you will see their homes (and they won't be there) or even better, their former homes. That's right, you get to see a house that someone used to live in. How fascinating.
6. You will often see a homeless person or a group of hooligans smoking weed on the sidewalk. They will ask you for money. Don't give it to them. Because they're just going to spend it on more weed. One cracked-out homeless man asked me for spare change once. I asked him what he was going to spend it on. He said "I would like to tell you I'm going to use it to buy food. But I'm probably just going to spend it on more drugs." I think I've proved my point.
7. If you're walking down the street, minding your own business and someone yells out their car window "Hey white girl!" or asks "Do you need a ride?" Continue walking and look straight ahead. Do not make eye contact. If you must say anything, politely yell "Mama didn't raise no fool!" and be on your way.
8. If you're crossing the street, whether at a designated cross walk (or any street for that matter) and a car is approaching, do not assume they see you. Even though you have the right of way. Chances are they don't see you. Or even worse: they do see you, but they simply don't care to stop. Their time is clearly more important than your safety and life. Crossing the street in Los Angeles is like playing a real life game of Frogger.
9. People in LA are crazy. So be mentally and physically prepared for that.
10. Expect that you're going to piss someone off while you're driving. It's destined to happened. So don't be offended with they honk at you and flip you off.
11. Resist the urge to go up to a group of drunken bros in a bar or club and ask them "Who let the dogs out?" They, unlike you, will not think it's funny and will think you're making fun of them. Even though you are.
12. Avoid the 405. Take my word for it.